I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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