I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize