so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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