I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
