i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
