Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
