Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
