Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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