what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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