I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
