dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
