Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
