I met the friendliest cop last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
