my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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