Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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