I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
