I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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