So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
