did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
