Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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