You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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