he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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