I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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