I think I won the penis lottery.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
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His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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