How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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