Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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