Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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