i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
