Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
