i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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