Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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