You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
