I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
