i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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