Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
