I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
