I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
tell your sister to shave her snatch
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
