New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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