i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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