the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
