can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
