so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
no you cant smoke seaweed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
