Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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