Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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