They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
