Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Two words: nipple clamps
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