I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
