exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
