One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
