Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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