Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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