Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
