so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
