My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
