Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
