I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
