apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
